OkCupid’s best first date questions
Hello to all,
I’m sorry if I haven’t been posting everyday lately. As a matter of fact, I’m very busy putting together, writing, re-writing, proofreading, tearing apart, readjusting, overanalyzing, changing the material of my future book on love and digital. It’s tough when as a writer you can ONLY write in Moleskines (handwritten), what a waste of time! Anyway, I hope you are well and that you enjoyed your Valentines’ Day (if you celebrated it). Many of us find it an excuse to ask out someone they like and I hope you had the best of luck.
Speaking of which, this is a 2011 Article from okTrends (at OkCupid). It’s a bit witty and doesn’t teach us a whole lot but it’s always fun to read:
Enjoy and remember to always stay yourself no matter what during a first date (that’s the most important in the end)
A world with no smartphones?
This brilliant photograph was taken by Eric Pickersgill
It inspired me for its poignancy. How much time are we sacrificing online while we could be interacting with real human beings next to us?
While studying the sociological behaviors of singles and individuals in relationships (or married), I have noticed something interesting. When one feels rejected or misunderstood after a heavy conversation or even a fight for instance, the Smartphone becomes the indestructible shield to vulnerability and therefore dialogue.
As a matter of fact, the attitude of hiding behind your Smartphone to avoid any confrontation appears way more after the early stages of dating. It’s easier to entertain ourselves with games, Facebook feeds, Instragram’s vivid images than to confront the present moment and deal with something that may annoys us. When we feel disrespected or rejected, we need reassurance right? Jackpot! Your Smartphone is the Eldorado of instant-ego-boost.
I usually develop this particular point with my clients during my life/love coaching sessions. How we could build more awareness of our digital usage. How our psychology has evolved through the spectrum of the digital. It is very important in my opinion to introspect and try to understand the differences: The “before” and “after” Smartphones. How you would find someone in a city you didn’t know, how you would cope with loneliness while waiting for the bus. All these little things yet, so important can make us more aware and help us create a healthy real vs. digital lifestyle.
Wishing love to all.
Which Valentine are you?
Valentines Day is around the block and you may found yourself in these following categories:
- The long-term solitary individual – Yes, it’s been more than 2 years and you are craving a relationship, a hug or any sign of affection by another human being or even a cat. With resentment and jealousy of happy couples, feeling it will never happen to you (ever). You get shivers when bumping into lovers kissing on the streets or holding hands at the movies.
- The happy single – Valentines Day will not have any affect on you. You will pursue that pretty cool normal routine of yours. Who knows you may actually meet someone without looking before the 14th of February. What would happen then? A cool surprise in your happy life …
- The person “in a healthy relationship” – You are happy to celebrate and advertize your love on any occasion and especially on that incredible day with all the other lovers worldwide.
- The person “in a healthy relationship” – You don’t need or want to celebrate this commercial day and always say, “it should be Valentines Day everyday, all year round”.
- The person “in an unhealthy relationship” – you are forced to celebrate and you just need to buy an expensive gift to your partner trying to convince yourself (as well as the other person in the relationship simultaneously) it’s still working, it could (finally) work or this is the way it’s supposed to be (living unhappily and frustrated for the rest of your life)
- The person “in an unhealthy relationship” – you have decided to stop celebrating as you quit believing in the existence of Love. You are angry about life, love and at your partner. You are also very angry at yourself deep down (without knowing it maybe or certainly) for staying so long in this disastrous unhealthy relationship, wasting your energy to try to make it work when it’s been doomed for a long time (or was already doomed at the beginning).
Alright alright, who are you then? Did you recognize yourself (I mean your true self) not the one you are showing others on Facebook?
If your pick is 1, 5 or 6, Valentines Day should be an introspecting period. Celebrate this day as a new day and try to say: “I love you” to yourself before trying to put it out there in the universe. After you have mastered this important task, repeat it to yourself, write it down in a journal, on a post-it at your office “I LOVE YOU” in capital letters. There is nothing more attractive and healthy than truly loving yourself. Who cares what society thinks and all these debates on egocentrism and narcissism. I’m not telling you to live for yourself and to keep everything to yourself. I’m giving you the option to take a fresh start and become your first and own lover so that you can find your second lover: someone who also said, “I love you” to him/herself before meeting you.
Facebook or the relationship barometer
Hello my dear lovers, oxytocin seekers, singles and all the others, I always had a theory on the act of posting (too much) on social media and its correlation with the health of your relationship (couples selfies, lovy doby status updates …) Turns out after digging more into this particular trend, I realized I was (almost) right. What an intuition right? Basically, it boils down to this: The less you hear (or see) about a relationship on, the better it’s going.
1- Publicly showing their engagement with way too many exchanges (a day):
It seems sharing pictures, articles or over-commenting on each other’s timeline, is a way to say to the world “he/she is mine”. It can be very healthy if done sporadically, yet it becomes over-bearing when excessive. This is usually a sign of a lack of trust and dialogue in the relationship’s intimacy (which should be a cherished place where you exchange and communicate the most).
2- Posting incredibly perfect pictures of them (taking the picture over and over or using the best filter)
You can easily sense if their smiles are fake, if a particular pose has been chosen in order for them to look their best (hollywood couple type photo). This often means, they (or one of them) need to tell the world how perfect they are. To set a feeling of envy by over-sharing this façade dream. I guess a true, genuine relationship should always speak for itself. I’m not saying they cannot post pictures of them hugging in front of the Eiffel Tower, kissing in front of a beautiful Bali sunset or just chilling at home, it’s just how it appears at the end. It’s sadly so obvious…
N.B. : let’s also point out for these hypothesis, it could be a narcissistic behavior, obsessing about one’s image even while being single
Trust me on one unique thing: when you are truly happy in a couple, when you have no doubts, you feel serene almost everyday, then other people will come and tell you how awesome you look, how happy they are for you. A positive energy is contagious, therefore they will want to spend time with you both. That’s a healthy sign!
And let’s face it, the more time you spend on Facebook, the less you spend with the other.
How to Love?
During my quest for Love, I’ve traveled in different places in the world to study how people would LOVE. I interviewed singles, couples, therapists and data scientists to understand more about the impact of digital on our love relationships and seduction. I compared “real” encounters to “virtual” serendipity. Throughout this long journey, I have read a lot of literature on Love.
Some very serious books written by psychologists and other lighter ones, such as this book I want to share with you. It is a very easy-read, yet very inspiring. You can take it with you on the bus, subway or anywhere… I found it on a shelf near the window of the bedroom I was renting on AirBnB. I was immediately attracted to its cover and title. Surprisingly good as it is written by a Zen Master. I’ve been gifting it to my close friends since.
2016 resolution: from virtual romance to real romance?
I chose to share this Ted Talk to emphasize on the fact that we are still in the early stages of digital. We are discovering, testing, implementing. Digital makes us feel less lonely and is capable of boosting our egos in a split second. We are never cut off during a conversation and everyone is listening to us (rather being on Facebook or Quora).
Yet, we have never felt so lonely … Meditate
Happy New Year, wishing you a healthier digital life.
The power of the “Love” Hormone
In a relationship and still on Tinder?
It strikes me how many more men used Tinder in 2015 compared to women (twice more).
But the most interesting element throughout my study has been the proportion of “in a relationship” users. I interviewed a few of them: why are you on this dating app? What will you do if you see your boyfriend/girlfriend on Tinder (how awesome would that be honestly?), what if you “pseudo-fall in love” on the app?
I develop this point in a chapter of my book and I truly was thrilled to investigate on this particular subject.
A more detailed post on the psychology of this “quasi-cheating” behavior coming soon.